Question by Gráinne: If I saw a shrink, would it reflect badly on me with social services in my role as guardian of my siblings?
When my parents died in an accident last year, at the age of 18 I dropped out of college to step up to the plate and become the guardian of my little brother (who is 14) and my sisters, who are (7 and 12). The alternative was they’d be put into care, which to me just wasn’t an option.

Financially, we have enough to survive without much difficulty. The insurance paid off the house, Dad’s work pension pays towards my younger siblings upkeep, I work part time, I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but we also get a state “supplementary welfare” payment. Birthday & Christmas presents are smaller than they used to be, and we won’t be going abroad anymore, but we don’t have to worry about paying the phone bill or where the next meal will come from.

Thing is, from the date of the accident, I haven’t had a minute. I haven’t been able to grieve properly for them because I’ve had to hold everything together, deal with schools etc, and keep a degree of normality for the family. My grandparents try to help, but they are old & frail and despite their best efforts, they can’t do too much.

Everyone seems to think I’m calm and collected, quite logical, and while they don’t say it, at least to my face, they probably also feel I’m a heartless bítch because it seems from the outside that their deaths didn’t affect me like they did everyone else. Its not that it didn’t affect me, its that I had to keep everything together. Even on the funeral day, someone had to help my then 6-year old sister in the bath, someone had to cook dinner for the family, someone had to hug & comfort the younger kids.

Some things were exceptionally hard, even many months after. I know this one is going to sound stupid, but taking my youngest sister to have her ears pierced for her 7th birthday. My parents took me to get mine for my 7th birthday and is one of those “treasured memories”. I felt the tears welling up, but I just had to force myself to swallow them. First Holy Communion was even worse, for exactly the same reason.

So, while everyone else is well into the “healing process”, and during the day, I seem to be coping fine, every night I cry. That’s when I miss them, that’s the only time I can let my guard down. That’s when I feel alone. That’s when I remember my father teaching me how to build sandcastles and my mother teaching me to tie my shoes.

I really feel I need professional help, but I’m terrified to get it because if Social Services find out I’m having problems coping mentally, I’m worried they’ll decide I mustn’t be fit to carry on the role of a “parent”.

Best answer:

Answer by Gronkguts
Is there an anonymous telephone counseling line in your area? Maybe you could ring them to get a few things off your chest once all the kids are in bed.
It really depends on how narrow-minded Social Services are – surely they would see you working on processing your struggles with a mental health professional as a good thing? Mental health is just like any other health – if something’s wrong you get it seen to. You wouldn’t limp around on a broken ankle for fear of looking like a wimp by going to the doctor. Unfortunately though some people just don’t understand that.

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