Question by …: How can I overcome “Performance Anxiety”?
I’m a guy, 25 and a virgin. I used to believe in abstinence. I had a strict and religious upbringing.

I only tried to have sex a couple of times of times with my gf and I did not have erection. I always get erection when I masturbate or aroused. I was so stressed when I was getting intimate with my gf as she’s 9 years older and she was very wild -sexually- when she was younger. Her past stress me out as it was wild, she also cheated before -I still think about it and imagine it a lot- and finally the big fear that she would compare my performance with her many old experienced partners. How can I overcome this anxiety? I don’t have any trouble getting erection when I’m on my own or watching porn or even fantasizing about her -which I do a lot. Any suggestions? Ladies, would you leave your boyfriend of a year for that? Or would you wait for him to be ready and help him to be ready? Thanks!

Best answer:

Answer by boston_sox
Well, the good news is that this is (as you recognized) obviously a mental block, and not erectile dysfunction. I think the first thing you need to do is realize that if she cares for you (which if you’ve been going out for a year it seems like she would) then she will not judge your performance because she is aware that you are a virgin and knows that you have learning to do. Heck, think of it this way: having as much experience as she does, she’s probably excited that you’re a virgin. You haven’t formed any bad habits sexually yet, you’re excited and are gonna want to learn, and she’ll know what she wants and will be more than happy to teach you. It’s the perfect situation for both of you, she’s going to be able to “groom” you to be a great lover for her, and you’re gonna learn a lot and have a good time in the process!

As for getting over the fact that she has had a lot of experience, just try not to worry about it. I know that’s easier said than done, but she’s with YOU now and she cares about YOU, not other guys she may have been with, but YOU! Be happy about that and let that help you.

One idea you could try that popped into my mind when reading your story: You say that you watch a lot of pornography. Being that your girlfriend is sexually experienced and was “wild” sexually in the past, I’m sure she would not object to watching porn with you in order to warm up for fooling around together. I’m sure it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before. Cuddle up on your bed with her, put on a DVD/video on your comp, or whatever medium you prefer, and watch. While doing this you can either try pleasuring yourself or each other, and let things go from there. It could work because you’d be focusing on the movie rather than getting an erection, and since it’s a way that works for you when you’re alone, you might feel more relaxed.

I hope some of this helps, or at least gets you thinking about other things you can try. Just remember, if she’s been with you a year she should care about you be understanding that this is all new to you. She will work through this with you.

Good luck, be safe, and most important of all, have fun!

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