Question by blue apple: Will you critique my story (“Gayden’s Tulips”)?
It’s a very rough draft, but I’ve been working on it for quite some time and I must say it’s one of my best works. can you please read it and possible critique it? Or just rate it on a scale of 1-10. Reading all of it is unnecessary but also satisfactory.
Once upon a time, there was an innocent, succulent young boy with the soft, glowing, radiant skin that is only present upon youngsters named Gayden. He had lush, brown, velvety, horrendous hat hair that flowed in the wind. Although he had everything he could ever want including a sexy mom, there was a blood-soaked gaping hole in his life.
On the day of his Gayden’s Grande Sweete Sixteene birthday party, his two best compatriots, Dori and Mia were cordially invited to attend. Although the 3 squirrelly companions had fun jumping on Gayden’s giant trampoline and bobbing for peaches and strawberries, Gayden was secretly eying his presents with extreme anticipation, a special opalescent twinkle scathed Gaydens pearly eyes, as he adourned is bright yellew party hat. After the lucious festivies had ceased, the time came for the giving and receiving of traditional birthday parcels. An overjoyed smile crept up the young child’s soft, appley cheeks as his mother beamed at him holding a baby pastel pink ribbon bow behind her back. Suddenly the boy boy’s grin dwindled as he noticed a lack of gift-boxes. “WHY HAS THE GREAT FAERY QUEEN SMITED ME BY STEAlING MY GIFTS?!” The boy screamed blood-curdlingly. PAnic flooding his veins.
Gayden charged, scrambling in anticipation of sweet sixteen goodness. in the sheer force of his graceful gallop, he knocked his mother into the air, falling hard on her fannymuscle. Her heels were sliced viciously off her feet as her patootie made impact witht the floor. Gayden’s mother’s prized birthday clam chowder crashed with a loud “CRACK”, spilling on the kitchen linoleum. blood and birthday chowder intertwined together in a gruesome, tasty-smelling mess on the floor as a ghastly roar excaped the curvacious, madis-like mom’s lips. “Where’s my present?!” Gayden honked. Suddenly his glittering orbs swung around to face the present that was the most huge. his mouth dribbled precious saphires of mouth water as he stalked his prey. he exploded off the floor in a mighty pounce that rattled his sleeping guests of off their tender pink feet. the gift-box collapsed beneath his supple, youthful frame like a Poni engaging in physical love. he crept up and RIPPED the box off its creaky hinges with spindly fingers as dory gasped in terror and astonishment at the sight of the broken box.”This is a piece of crap present!!!” Gayden bayed as he gaped at the empty container.
Suddenly his mother’s mangled body wrapped in silk lengerie. he swiftly swiveled aroundlike a a prince and gallantly paraded to his mahmah. The sensuous form of gayden’s mothe rshook fiercely yet deliatley on the confetti-strewn kitchen floor.gayden began to quiver as a feeble sqeek escaped her satin lips. “gayden peasley brainerd” were the 3 words were painfully pushed out her dwindling soul. as gayden grasped his mother’s spider-like arms, he felt felt warm toasty, golden love course through his capillaries. his nose began to burn with grief. “I have one last thing to tell you” his mother gasped through strangled breath. “hold on”, gayden oinked masculinely. “don’t let go. Please mother!”
“Happy Birthday, sweet Gayden”, golden hair flowing softly about her emaciated cheekbones. Gayden cawed out.”NOOO!!!” as he felt his mother palm pressed against his own, enveloped in cold, dead, death.
Suddenly the dam holding back the river of emotion broke open. warm salty crocodile tears rolled down the bridge of his sweet gay nose, leaving sweet trails of wet emotion behind. These rivers grew to cascading waterfalls and soon hat hair was soaked with sadness. He was so overcome with grief that he felt compelled to apply lotion to all crevices of his body. He offered Mia and Dory his special strawberry lotion from Victoria’s Secret. The lotion melted off his skin in a dewey stream as more painful tidbits of broken dreams let forward. All of a sudden, WHAT SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The withered brown particles of emptiness of the gift box rattled and exploded with luminescent radiance. tender green shoots sprung skyward, rich tendralls unfurling like the satisfied grin of Ronald McDonald. Forest of lush green earth escaped and magically appeared by the forces of unicorn powers. but just as the present had, one plant caught gayden’s gaze. it was the plant of all plants, a towering, tender, pink blossum, it’s petals drifting majestically in the perfumed air. Gaydens ears filled once again with tears, but this time they were not tears of sadness; they were tears of joy. sudden;y he felt his mother’s presence, singing in his heart. smiling faces dotted the perimeter of his soul. gayden coulkd no longer contain himself. he sprung up like a leopard and began to skip merrily tharou

Best answer:

Answer by Mickey D
LOL. That’s great. You’ve made the opposite mistake you are supposed to make. Many beginning authors fail to be descriptive enough so they are encouraged to “describe!” You took that advice to and past its limits, and the text is so full of description, especially flowery description, that you have forgotten about the most important ingredient: the story! Get rid of all the description that is not essential and let’s see a story. Let’s see it start, develop, and resolve into an ending. But writing is supposed to tell a story. It’s not supposed to leave the story behind! Good luck.

You also need very, very, very short sentences and equally short paragraphs. That could be even more important than your over description. Your text is impenetrable!

What do you think? Answer below!

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