Question by Just Like That: Opinions on my short story, please. 10 pts?
Hey

Okay, so I started a little B&A Writers Challenge and used one of the prompts for inspiration to write this short story, opinions, criticism and suggestions would be very helpful.

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Quotation: Wars may come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal

June 1st 2010
Screams, groans and blood follow gun shots, and though fear has cast its shadow over the battlefield, the soldiers fight to the very end. My presence is inevitable for an unfortunate few, for I am Death and this is war.

As though to set the scene, a blanket of thick, black clouds linger over the grass where soldiers shoot mercilessly. I’m not moved by the scene, but rather apathetic; lives are being lost over petty little issues, and my workload is being increased. As I extract the limp souls from dead bodies, I wonder if it’s worth it. The soldiers die but are still seen as courageous. In a day their names will be over the news, and they will be admired. Is it a loss?

Before me lies Darren Mason, thirty-six, married and a father of two little ones. He is not yet dead, but I will be claiming him very soon. In his last agonizing moments, he groans in pain, turns for comfort but knows his efforts to cling onto life are futile. He stops wincing and begins to speak. As he carries his right hand over his heart, he whimpers, “I sacrifice my life faithfully to you, Great Britain.” He makes one last movement, a salute with his left hand, and then lies still, very still.

June 2nd 2010

And so now curiosity has overcome me, I am in the heart of England, London, where a large funeral is held. Relatives, supporters and people at high posts are attending, all hanging their heads in grief.

“Darren, my dear Darren,” Erin, Darren’s wife, begins, speaking through constant sobs. “You have left us all, but you’ve left in pride, not hate nor fear, but in the fact on fighting for what is right.” She pulls herself together, suppressing her cries and forcing a smile. She turns slightly, to point to the wall on which soldiers names are inscribed. “I don’t need a wall to remember Darren. He will be in my heart, for eternity.”
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Thanks

P.S. Link to the Writers Challenge (2 days left) – even if you don’t fancy entering, it’d be very helpful if you give some thumbs up/down

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqhO68oE7s8Vk35wMJ_J0vHsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100531132252AA8ZSB9
@ LeeR – Okay, I’ll keep in mind that I need to do research before I write something, thanks for pointing it out. But one question, for all those great war writers (John Boyne, Marcus Zusak etc) have they experienced war in order to write such fabulous books?
Sure, makes sense, don’t want any innaccuracies. It’s not meant to be factually correct, rather just a short story I fancied to write, but thanks for pointing it out and will take more care

Best answer:

Answer by CS
Sounds pretty good man.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

 

 

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