Grief is the internal process that takes place whenever someone we love or something that is cherished is no longer there. On the other hand, mourning is giving ourselves permission to share grief with others. In other words, to go public and express what is happening deep within.

Expressing emotion in some form is the essential act that begins the process of meeting the many goals of grief. What are these goals? There are several: establishing a new relationship with the deceased, establishing a new identity (we are not the same, as part of our nurturing community is gone), and creating new routines. Also, reinvesting in life, working through painful reminders, and frequently assuming new roles must be addressed.

However, at the top of the list-the #1 goal-one which dogs all of us at various times in life is: to accept the reality of the loss. Or, as one who recently lost a spouse said to me, “You have to accept what happens to you. Unless I can change it, it happens. I have to make it through the change. Many in the world before me experienced this.” How can acceptance be facilitated?

I have asked many people who have suffered the deaths of loved one how they were able to deal with their great losses. How were they able to accept the things they couldn’t change? Here are their top seven responses.

1. I know (s)he is in a better place and out of pain. Many people deal with their grief in part through gratitude. They focus on the freedom from suffering the loved one has attained. They think about all the people who are still here and love them. They realize they have taken so much for granted and need to be more thankful.

As one mourner said, “I’m grateful every day when I wake up.” The gratitude mind set takes work; but it is life affirming and helps immensely in leading to acceptance.

2. I learned more about grief. Dr. Michael DeBakey, the famous heart surgeon, at age 99 said, “You can never learn enough.” Of course, this applies not only to grief but a host of other lifetime issues and concerns. However, with all of the myths about what is and is not normal grief, it is important to find credible sources that you can rely on to normalize your grief.

I assure you, the knowledge is out there that will help you. You need only to diligently search for it, take what is useful, and let go of the rest.

3. My faith got me through it. One woman said, “When I pray I find peace. That desperate feeling calms down.” Others believe that they are not alone in their sorrow, and that their Higher Power is always with them. This is a powerful belief since there is always someone to turn to when others are not around or friends shy away and think you need professional counseling. Pray for the wisdom to make the correct choices (acceptance is all about your choices) in adapting to the changes to be faced including the feelings of powerlessness.

4. I think of her often and talk to her. Although many who are mourning will not openly offer this information unless asked, a surprising number of people talk to their deceased loved ones. Often this coping techniques goes on for months or years, sometimes it becomes a lifelong comfort. Some pray to the deceased asking for their intercession to a Higher Power in order to deal with a particular problem.

5. I found a supportive group environment. Human contact in times of turmoil is essential. We have to check out the accuracy of our reflexive beliefs with others who are dealing with similar losses. We have to decide if there is a less destructive way to view our loss. Bereavement support groups often fill these needs. Not infrequently, hearing the difficulties others face helps us realize our plight is not unique. Then we sometimes see our problems as not quite as bad as we originally thought because others are in the same boat.

In addition, keeping in touch with children and other family members as well as friends is all part of a supportive environment to begin building. And, don’t leave out making new friends. This is an absolute must. Shared grief is an occasion for comfort, hope through contact with others, and awareness that we are still loved.

6. I followed a daily schedule. Keeping busy each day is one of the most frequent responses shared when mourners are asked how they are coping. Having a schedule to follow is useful in beginning some of the new routines that have to be established after the death of a loved one. Be sure to put things on your list that are pleasant events for you to engage in so that you have something to look forward to each day.

On the other hand, don’t overdo it and try to do too much. It cannot be overemphasized to take time just for yourself and treat yourself with great respect. You are most important. And, realize that acceptance doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why adapting to change is called grief work.

7. I do something for other people. I volunteer. Focusing on others, even though we are hurting, has long been a successful means of coping with massive change. There is always someone you can assist, from the shut-ins who need groceries to the children who need story tellers. Those who need others are all around us and are opportunities in waiting to make us actually feel better through giving.

In summary, no one knows exactly why some mourners are able to accept the reality of the death of their loved ones sooner than others. There could be many reasons like beliefs, age, a peaceful death, determination of the mourner, and the conviction that love lives on. One thing is clear, as illustrated in the above seven routes to acceptance: each mourner made the choice to face their pain and do something about it.

 

 

When Someone Dies DVD: Understanding Loss and Bereavement – This DVD explores how three individuals experienced loss when someone close to them died and traces how their grief changed with the passage of time. Supported throughout by experienced counsellors and counselling trainers the participants are sensitively and carefully held by the practitioners who gently place the experience of death in a framework which enables the viewer to gain a powerful felt sense of the experience of loss as well as offering a theoretical perspective. These real life stories include an in-depth account of a widows reaction to her husbands shocking and untimely death, look at how a widower coped with the desolation he felt after his wife died, and chronicle the agonising experience of a mother losing her young child. Interwoven throughout the filmed narrative there are also moments of reflection and commentary, and references to the importance that ritual, folk wisdom and poetry can play in enabling people experiencing bereavement to cope with their grief. To find out more information about this DVD please visit www.cpcab.co.uk If you’re looking for a counsellor visit www.findacounsellor.info

 

Five Things You Need to Know Today: Sept. 18

Filed under: loss bereavement

1. Adult Bereavement Class. Parmenter Community Health Care is offering a free seven-week bereavement class for any adult who has experienced a loss. The course begins tomorrow, Sept. 18. 2. Dudley Pond Run. The annual Dudley Pond Run is coming …
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Hospice chaplains earn bereavement certification

Filed under: loss bereavement

Whether that loss may come in the form of losing a loved one, a job or a home or even through divorce, both Terry Covert and Deb Neal are officially certified in administering comfort and hope to those in peril. Hospice of the Plains Chaplain and …
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