Question by nyc2700: I’m having trouble understanding my ADHD and possibly Asperger’s boyfriend and it’s causing problems?
We are both in college and live at home. I love him more than anything in the world, I really do. We’re so close and we have been together for a little over a year. He is the first person I’ve ever felt comfortable with, the first person I’ve ever been able to trust. He’s really honestly the bright spot in my life. But there are some issues, because of course no relationship is perfect, and I’m okay with the issues and I accept them because I do love him. But they are starting to make me feel helpless and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have always known that he has really severe ADHD. He told me that from the beginning. His parents have always been extremely neglectful, however, for his entire life and further tests were never done, no matter how strange and out of the ordinary his behavior was. At first I thought he might be Autistic, and I did extensive research on that. But the more research I’ve done, I’ve found that it really doesn’t fully match him and his personality. It didn’t seem to fit. I began researching Asperger’s because I found that the two are somewhat closely related when it comes to social disorders. His name should be in the Dictionary as the definition for Asperger’s. Like…it couldn’t be a more perfect description of him. I’ve talked to a Psychologist and looked at some mental health evaluations, and I’m still continuing my research on it. But I really very strongly believe that he has Asperger’s and it was never diagnosed because his parents didn’t care enough to take him to a professional. They medicated him for ADHD and left it alone. But now it’s causing problems later in his life, in our relationship, because his behavior makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me sometimes or that he just flat out isn’t paying attention to me. He just lacks empathy. For example, today I stopped by his house unexpectedly just to say hello and stay for a little while and give him a kiss, and everything was going fine. He was affectionate, like he always is, kissing me, hugging me, laughing with me and making me laugh and being happy. And then I said I needed to get gas on my way home, and he was on go. He jumped up and was like, “I want to go with you.” And the affection was over. He got his shoes and was ready to go. He also found a lighter that he wouldn’t stop playing with. He would NOT put it down, and when I asked him to please put it down he got upset at me and just threw it down. When he finally came back and sat down with me I lifted his shirt up and started kissing his back, and he saw a brightly colored book on the table and picked it up and started looking at it. That really pissed me off and I was like okay I’m sorry that I’m boring you to that degree. And I got my keys and was going to leave. He truly did not understand why I was upset. This has happened before. He really didn’t get it. He didn’t understand. This kind of stuff only happens after he’s had a lot of sugar. Like he drank a soda before I got there, probably multiple ones. It happens after he drinks coffee, tea, etc. So…does this sound like what I think it is? His behavior I mean?

Best answer:

Answer by Melissa
It is very possible that he has Aspergers, and it seems to be clear that he has ADHD. You need to first sit down and discuss this with him if you have not already. He needs to know that you are extremely happy in the relationship, but that you feel like sometimes his ADHD gets in the way of your relationship. Of course, it is a part of him, and that is something you will have to grow to accept if you want to be with him, but he needs to be aware. Also, have you brought up the sugar thing with him? Maybe he needs to learn to control his sugar intake because of the side effects that it has on him. If you have not already brought up the Aspergers theory, I advise that you not. Instead, ask to see a psychologist with him to discuss your relationship. Then you can bring it up with the psychologist and let them evaluate. Tell him that you are not wanting “marriage counseling” but instead want to do this to learn how to work with each other and his mental disabilities. It is important that you explain that you want your relationship to be even stronger and you want it to last.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend! I hope that everything works out for you!

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