It is impossible to fathom the grief that results in the loss of a child. Only those who have walked in those shoes truly understand. My outlet is to write about my feelings and read those of others to help me cope with my pain. So I have decided to blog about my feelings and write an article for others who have suffered this trauma, an outlet to help me heal and hopefully help others.

My son, Brandon, died on February 19, 2001, it was nine days before his 19th birthday. It was sudden, an automobile accident, in just a blink of an eye my child was taken away from me. Up to that day, my life was going along just fine, actually the same day of the accident I thought to myself, my life is good. Then later that night my life turned in to living nightmare. I am still grieving after almost 10 years, but I have made progress in my grief and that is something at one point I thought was not possible.

I am writing this article to try to give some of you that are in the same situation hope that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel called grief. If you are or know someone who has lost a child then you know that this grief is much different than losing a parent, grandparent, we expect their death, it is the order of life. But when I child dies before their parents, it creates an unbalance in the natural order of life and death. I believe this is one of the reasons that we as parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles and aunts have such a hard time accepting the death of a child.

I wanted to share what I have experienced since my son’s death. I know that right after the accident, I scoured the internet for all sorts of information, life after death, message boards containing personal experiences from other grieving parents, anything that I could find that would help me understand my feelings and that I was not the only parent feeling like this, because at time I felt as if I was losing my mind. This research helped me, I found out that other parents were experiencing the same thoughts and emotions. This help me cope, knowing that I wasn’t alone and everything I was feeling was normal. I found that if I was able to read the raw emotions of others who were going through the same thing, somehow I felt a connection to them and knew that they really understood my pain. I have a blog to vent my feelings about my son’s death, it isn’t something I write in everyday, just when I feel the need and it helps me. Yes, there are tears that come with those writings, but they are tears that help cleanse my soul.

I have a surviving daughter, Brittni, whose life was also turned upside down when my son died. She was 13 years old at the time, she had to try to cope with the lost of her brother and the grief of her parents. I did my best to be there for her, but honestly I was so broken that I feel I failed to help her enough. It took all of my energy to just get through the day. I was able to meet her everyday needs, but I think I failed to supply her with the emotional support she needed. I did my best but I was broken and not really up to the task of helping her. After 10 years we now discuss this openly and I think it is healing for both of us. I can explain myself to her now that she is an adult and she can tell me how she felt at the time. This is good for both of us, healing, that is what we all want to do.

My husband and I dealt with my son’s death very differently. I also found this to be normal after my research. You expect that your spouse would be your strongest support after this type of trauma. But the simply truth that I found is that both of you are torn apart, just trying to cope with your own pain and it is just too difficult to help the other. I also found that the anger I felt because of my son’s death caused me to be angry with my husband. I was mad that he wasn’t grieving the same as I was, mad because he couldn’t help me through the pain and then I was looking for someone to blame and he was it. Our marriage has survived, but it has been a struggle.

It has almost been ten years since my son’s death and as I look back over my hand written journals and blog, I notice I have made so much progress from where I was the first five years. That is good news, the bad news it that so many people think this type of trauma is something that should get better much sooner than it actually does. But my words of encouragement is that time does help, it is just much longer than one would expect. I remember people telling me this and thinking to myself “maybe for you, but not for me, how can I ever feel better”. I still miss my son everyday, but I have came to a point in my grief that I have accepted what has happened. The pain is still with me, it is just a duller pain. Yes, I still have my moments that I break down, I believe this will be the case my entire life. But I am now in a place where I look forward to a future. I was robbed of watching my son grow into adulthood, but now I am blessed that I get to experience this through my daughter. She has been my savior through this ordeal.

In closing, I just want to say that I don’t think you every “get over” the death of a child, but after ten years I know I have learned to cope, I am at a place that I thought I would never reach. It has been a long, hard and painful road to get to here, but I have survived. I hope this article give those of you who have had to experience this type of trauma that there is hope for healing, it takes a very long time, but you will survive as I have, even if you think it is not possible.

 

 

Coping Techniques After a Child’s Death – A guide to coping and informational skills for bereaved parents, family members, friends, therapists and grief related organizations. Read up to 80 articles dealing with such topics as anger, journaling, taking care of yourself, making a marriage work, childless issues, workplace grief, getting through the holidays and many more. Read 10 inspirational stories and delve into the abundant resource section. This book will help the newly bereaved as well as the seasoned griever find the way to a life of happiness and new meaning.

 

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