Question by Black Mahogany: Am I being too harsh with my best friend?
My best friend of 17 years is having some marital problems. I’ve never been a big fan of her husband, have always thought that she could have done better. However, whenever they have had issues, I have always tried to be objective and given what I deemed to be fair advice considering the situation. I’ve never taken advantage of the situation to badmouth the guy.

My friend’s been taking classes to become a therapist and I guess, she’s been changing because of what she’s learning so her husband and her are growing apart. So now, she can’t stand her husband’s immature ways. Should I mention that the guy has always been like that since the first day they met but she was too blind with love? She complains about him, never questions herself because like she put it: “Her therapist told her she is a very well-balanced person.” One day, while she was talking about her husband’s flaws, I just blurted out “I’ve always thought you could have done better”. She reacted as if I had been a bad friend for not telling her. The truth is that when they were dating and that I saw the first red flags regarding her man, I tried to warn her. As every good female friend in love, she talked about it to her man and she preferred to side with other people who were telling her that I was being jealous, because I was single.

One month ago, she was going at her husband again and I just asked her what efforts has she really put in the relationship to make things better. She always think that she does nothing worong, that everything is her husband’s fault when she is also guilty of enabling those behaviours of him which now annoy the hell out of her. She turned passive-aggressive and started saying little mean things to me for the rest of the conversation. Whenever she’s called on something she does, she now turns all “therapist” on you: it’s you who don’t know what you’re talking about, she’s “well-balanced” as far she’s concerned.

Later, in another email about something else, she asked me to warn her whenever she acts a certain way. I told her that I wasn’t going to do it because I don’t like how she acts passive-aggressive with me in such cases. She wrote something like she doesn’t want to talk about her marriage anymore, that she doesn’t want us (her husband+her family-in-law+me) to drive her crazy and that chapter is now closed.” I wrote her some truths on my own like her being so phony around people, even in front of her so-called therapist, that people can’t even see that she isn’t doing good lately. I also asked her what was she expecting from me? To tell to throw her marriage away by making her husband the scapegoat when she’s as wrong as him? And what did she reply: “I can see that you’re really mad when I am absolutely at peace. Don’t worry about me; I’m fine, believe me. XoXo”. I just wrote back: “Good for you” and since then, I totally ignored her.

She sent me an e-greeting card, last week, wishing me a good day. I felt bad about my current attitude towards her but I am so mad at her. Sometimes, I just feel rage or hatred because I think she feels she’s better than the rest of us.

I’ve known her for 17 years old and she did help me going though a lot of things. So I kind of feel indebted to her but I can’t be friends with her if she keeps acting as if she’s Hera, queen of the gods. Her husband told her that he feels living with a different person since she’s begun those classes to become a therapist. And I think that the lying b…h in her is just emerging now. She’s always been insecure, always behaving as per the social norms, never expressing her point of view and now she’s turning into friendzilla.

I’ve been avoiding her for a month now but I’d have eventually to talk to her. And I am trying in my head to find a quiet and nice way to voice my feelings. However, I just feel rage and hatred whenever I envision that conversation. Am I overreacting?

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Five Things Your Marital Therapist Won’t Tell You – Experienced marital therapists know what to look for when couples come in for therapy and there are certain signs that keep a therapist hopeful about whether a couple can improve there marriage and therapy. Here are five things that your marital therapist may not tell you. www.FletcherPhD.com

 

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