A good book about coping with grief?

A Good Book About Coping With Grief?

Question by Bookworm: A good book about coping with grief?
I have a friend who is still grieving over the death of a loved one. It has been 2 years and she admits to suffering panic attacks and not being able to properly grieve because she doesn’t want to relive the experience.

She doesn’t want to speak to a counselor, although she goes to religious services and she speaks to friends. I’d like to get her a book about grief and loss not to be preachy or tell her to get help, but something to have on hand to look at during hard times. Any suggestions?

Best answer:

Answer by Shan
Go to http://www.mind.org.uk/ and type “grief” in the taskbar, and enter. Call: The Grief Recovery Institute (U.S.A.) 1-800-445-4808, or Hospice (phone book). Email [email protected] Chatrooms and forums: http://www.chatmag.com/topics/health/grief.html and http://talkingminds.15.forumer.com/ and http://messageboards.ivillage.com/ Other websites: http://www.griefnet.org/ and http://www.helpguide.org/ and http://www.mental-health-abc.com/ and http://www.boblivingstone.com/?q=node30 and http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ Understand that there are often several stages of grief.

The stages are:

Denial: The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.”
Anger: “Why ME? It’s not fair?!” (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as “responsible”)
Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my son graduate.”
Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”
Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.”
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This also includes the death of a loved one and divorce. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in order, nor are they all experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.

See http://www.amazon.com/ for books on the various stages. After a while, consider making a photoalbum/scrapbook and/or a shrine, in remembrance, and set aside one day per month on which to reflect. Many religious organisations offer counselling, or you may feel more comfortable with a therapist, to express your thoughts, and feelings. Journalling may help in this. If there is depression: visit your doctor, and see depression treatments, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris in section 2.
Suggested Resources on Grief and Mourning

James, J. W. & Friedman, R. (1998). The Grief Recovery Handbook, Collins. Grollman, E. (1995). Living when a Loved One has Died, Beacon Press.

Livingstone, B. (Planned August, 2007). The Body-Mind-Soul Solution: Healing Emotional Pain through Exercise, Pegasus Books.

Simon, S, & Drantell, J. J. (1998). A Music I No Longer Heard: The Early Death of a Parent.

Livingstone, B. (2002). Redemption of the Shattered: A Teenager’s Healing Journey through Sandtray Therapy, http://www.boblivingstone.com/ ~~~ PANIC ATTACKS: View the techniques for control of panic attacks, in section 8, in my website, at ezy build, below, which I created to contain all the information that there isn’t enough space for, here. Begin, on this first occasion, only, by holding your breath for 5, or 10 seconds: this will give you the confidence to realise that YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR BREATHING, but not pass out, or die (your autonomic nervous system resumes breathing, if you become unconscious). Understand panic attacks, and what triggers them, in your life (if it is unresolved anxiety, or stress, see sections 6, or 42, respectively). The paper bag method works for most people: try it.

If you are fairly suggestible, the following are reliable: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/
Your last alternative is psychotherapy, to address its fundamental cause: read section 1, and examine the http://1-800-therapist.com/ website, and use the locators, and phone book. I used to suffer from panic attacks, until I questioned what had changed in my life, at, or just before that time, to trigger them. For some people, this is enough. These days, I have instilled the habit of, whenever a situation occurs where panic is likely, I visualise a large, “STOP!” sign, as vividly as possible, followed by repeating to myself: “stay calm” in my mind. You could try the same method. It usually takes 30 – 40 repetitions, for most people, to establish a new habit. I also suggest that you learn, then practise the controlled breathing technique, until competent, then employ it, at the very first sign of a panic attack.

Practice one of the relaxation methods on pages 2, 11, 2c, or 2i, daily, and when needed. Also, give the EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. There is also a version for use in public places, (if you like, you can claim to have a headache, as you massage/lightly tap your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind). Section 53, and pages 2, 2.q and 2.o at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris also refer: “Even though I sometimes suffer from panic attacks, I deeply and completely accept myself.” Note: the controlled breathing only helps with the symptoms (as do medications/herbal remedies): you need to address the underlying cause, and this requires some form of therapy, and Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy has proved effective.

Advice from a published psychiatrist on controlled breathing. (1.) Get a clock, or watch with a second timer. (2.) Practise for 5 minutes, 4 times daily, until proficient. (3.) Take a small breath in, and hold it, for 6 seconds. (4.) Think to yourself: “RELAX”, just before breathing out. (5.) Try to feel a sense of releasing tension, as you breathe out. (6.) Breathe in for 3 seconds, then out, for 3 seconds. Try to make your breathing very smooth, and light, as you breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth, or nose. (7.) For the next minute, continue to breathe in, and out, every 3 seconds. (8.) Go back to step 3, at the end of the minute, and proceed through to step 7, doing this for 5 minutes. Use this at the very first sign of a panic attack starting, or any time you feel anxious, or tense.

Because many people can’t access/afford professional therapy, I include the EFT, and EMDR variant for them to try, free of charge. Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy is generally available in most areas, but EMDR (see section 33) may well be worth trying, and is becoming more widespread. (The following is a variant of EMDR therapy, which has been used successfully for those people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, insomnia, and anxiety: it is easily learned, quick to use, yet can be very effective. It is currently the subject of much study by neuroscientists, to discover how it works. Don’t dismiss it, merely because it seems a little strange: give it a tryout!). Prior to using either of the methods in the above paragraph, or using it on its own, first sit comfortably, and take a deep breath.

Then, without moving your head, move your eyes from the left, to the right, and back again, taking around a second to do so (say: a thousand and one: this takes approximately a second). Repeat this procedure (without the words, although you can count, subvocally if you like) 20 times. Then close your eyes and relax. Become aware of any tension or discomfort you feel. Then open your eyes, and take another deep breath, and repeat step one, closing your eyes, and relaxing afterwards, in the same manner. Then, repeat the procedure one last time. Some people may find that this is all they need do. With experience, you may find that you can practise this in public, with your eyes closed, which greatly widens the window of opportunity for its use, and avoids attracting unwanted attention.

It may also help to minimise, or eliminate sugar, and caffeine products from your life. Xylitol, or Stevia is preferable, (health food stores) or fruit sugar (fructose, such as “Fruisana”, from supermarket sugar aisles) or even a little honey, because these will reduce “sugar spikes”, which later deplete you of energy. Minimise/eliminate consumption of highly processed foods, particularly grain products, such as white bread, donuts, cake, cookies/biscuits, or anything with sugar. Opt for more wholefoods, non-starchy vegetables, and fruit.

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