Question by ctvas1388: Passive aggressive emotional abuse?
I basically just need to talk this out, but any comments would be appreciated. I’m 21, and have a history of my mom verbally/emotionally abusing me, especially during high school. I am moving away from home on Thursday (halfway across the country) so I know I just have to wait it out. But she did something this morning again.

She used to just tell me straight out that I looked bad, that my face was disgusting. When I was in college, instead of telling me, she would send me packages in the mail of facewash, no note attached. Just a package of Proactive. I know I have acne, and I wash my face, I try to take care of it. But its the fact that she doesn’t bring it up anymore, just puts it out for me to find that bothers me. I woke up this morning, she had already left for work, and I found a package on the table where I eat breakfast. It was another brand of facewash. This time with a note wondering if I would be interested in using it, that she forgot to mention it yesterday, so she just left it there for me to find.

I know I just have to wait a few more days, then I move out. But things were going so well. I’ve been home two weeks and this was the first thing that happened. And now she is driving out with me and spending the weekend with me to help me move. And I dont want to be with her that long.

I know half the problem with my face is that I have anxiety, and my way of dealing with anxiety is to make everything “perfect,” and in terms of my face, that means picking at it to fix any imperfections. And I know thats not the right thing to do, and I’m in counseling, but my mother doesn’t know any of this. So I can’t just explain to her that I can’t control it, that its the anxiety about being around her that causes it.

I know this isn’t really a question, but I needed to get it out there. I’m fed up with this, and I dont know what to do about the facewash. Should I just take it and pack it? Or leave it? I can’t confront her, I’ve never been able to do that and I don’t want to make the drive out horrible. Any advise?

Best answer:

Answer by cata2d
Your mother sounds VERY controlling & projects negative comments & behavior onto you. Moving away is the best thing you can do, and a great 1st step. Congratulations!!! As far as the facewash, that is up to you, of course. Personally, I would pack and take it just to keep the ‘undercurrent’ calm, especially if it would negatively impact your drive.

Obviously, you need to work on becoming assertive (not aggressive) with your mother. You mentioned you are “in counseling”. Hopefully this is helping you. If it is not exactly what you want, or going nowhere, you need to find a different group or counselor.

As for your mother insisting on accompanying you on the drive to your new place & helping you move, it sounds like it will happen if you allow it. You sound like you’re intimidated by your mother as evidenced by your inability to “confront” her. Again, I strongly encourage you to learn how to be assertive – with not only Mother, but everyone & every situation in your life. Of course this takes time, but it’s time in which you HAVE to invest! There are groups you can attend. Bring this up with your counselor, she/he may know of resources in which to guide you.

Be strong, love your SELF and take things slowly. There’s a whole new world out there for you to explore. I hope your journey is smooth… You CAN do it!

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