Question by SoCal Dude: How best to deal with the death of a relative / in-law that was strongly disliked?
Over the weekend, my family received word that someone who was previously married to one of my relatives passed away. The person who recently passed away had a tumultuous relationship with both my immediate and extended family for many years.

[FYI – my relative who was married to the person who just passed away has been dead for several years]

A few questions…

1. What is the most diplomatic and polite way for me and my relatives to convey our “sympathies” to the deceased’s relatives? We all want to be polite, but I don’t think any of us can “put on an act” and pretend that this person was so wonderful and that we are truly going to miss that person. Sadly, the person who just passed away was a source of tension and conflict in my family for nearly 50 years.

I think saying nothing (especially to the deceased’s children) would be inappropriate.

2. The funeral is going to be during the middle of the week. I think it would look terrible if there was a full-blown “boycott” of the funeral by my side of the family. This person’s kids are still members of my family through their other parent, and it sure would look bad if all of us gave them the cold shoulder at a time like this.

Many of my relatives are hesitant to go because they are self-employed. If they close their offices for half a day (the funeral is about 1-2 hours away by car for most of us), they lose money. Most of us cannot take “bereavement” leave for the service since this person was the spouse of a distant relative, and many of my relatives who get only 1 or 2 weeks of vacation a year don’t want to give up 1/2 a day of vacation to attend this service.

Should I make an effort to convince some of my relatives (perhaps those who are retired or those with lots of vacation time at work) to go to the service, or should I just let things be?

Best answer:

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HRH Prince William Speech – HRH Prince William spoke at the lauch of the Child Bereavement Charity’s Mother’s Day campaign in March 2009. He movingly spoke of his Mother, Diana, Princess of Wales and annouced his Patronage of the Child Bereavement Charity.

 

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