Sometimes things are not as they seem when it comes to domestic violence counseling. On the outside looking in, one might think the striking person is the “real” abuser in the relationship. But with closer analysis, it becomes evident that the person holding the control is the psychological abuser.

This psychological abuser may be polite, stable, manipulative and nonaggressive outwardly…and they can even present in therapy as the abused. He/she may be a victim of verbal assault by their partner. But they hold the “control” and they know it. Their intimate partner, however, may not know it.

Instead, this partner who is outwardly aggressive is led to believe that they are the “attacker” and thus the abuser in the relationship. While he/she may be the attacker outwardly, their striking is not about control–to the contrary it’s about a lack of control or a loss of control.

Outward Aggression and Abusive Control

What is the difference between outward aggression and abusive control? If you are familiar with the domestic violence literature, you know that domestic abuse is fundamentally about control. And in abusive relationships, violence is recognized as a manifestation of control. It’s a means by which control is established and maintained.

Therefore, the assumption might be that the attacker is the “abuser,” i.e. the one who holds greater power and control in the relationship. The problem with this simplistic interpretation is that it fails to take into account the etiology of the aggressor’s violence.

Some “abusers” (outward aggressors) strike to regain control…but, by and large, they are not the controlling party in the relationship. These individuals characteristically have an intermittent explosive disorder. And their actions, while on the surface are violent, inappropriate and outwardly abusive, they are reflexive in nature.

In other words, these outward aggressors are mindlessly seeking to level the playing field in their intimate relationships. Yet, at their core, they remain under the psychological control of their partners. Their use of violence has more to do with inadequate conflict resolution skills, rather than a pathological addiction to control.

Mental and Psychological Abuse Trumps Violent Aggression

So, which person is the real abuser when one party is verbally aggressive and the other is psychologically controlling? I’d say both individuals are abusers and both are victims in their abusive relationship.

This closer analysis is essential to treatment planning for successful outcome in domestic violence counseling. If you are the labeled abuser in an abusive relationship, be mindful of the more complex dynamics in play. If you are the labeled abused, be honest with yourself in your efforts to remedy the violence in your relationship.

If you are a treatment provider, study the abuse dynamics from the inside out, not from the outside in. Your mindful analysis as such will increase your success in treatment planning for the couples you help in domestic abuse counseling.

 

 

Counseling and Domestic Violence – Based on personal experience, Waneta Dawn (author of “Behind the Hedge”) and Jocelyn Andersen (author of “Woman Submit!”) discuss important considerations regarding counseling and friendship for friends and loved ones who wish to support others who are coping with domestic violence. Visit WanetaDawn.com and WomanSubmit.com for more information. Excerpts from the Seneca Falls 2 Evangelical Women’s Rights Convention, July 24, 2010.

 

Laurel Police offer resources to domestic violence victims

Filed under: domestic violence counseling

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Gary Dourdan Pleads No Contest to Domestic Violence Charges

Filed under: domestic violence counseling

In addition, he'll be on formal probation for that time and must complete 52 weeks of domestic violence counseling, as well as substance abuse counseling, according to TMZ. Fall TV Scorecard: What's renewed/canceled? Dourdan was arrested in November …
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Domestic Abuse Resources in South Dakota

Filed under: domestic violence counseling

There are a number of different resources in Sioux Falls ready to help those who find themselves a victim of domestic abuse. "The statistics out there say one in four women are impacted by domestic violence, and that statistic is nation wide," Patty …
Read more on KELOLAND TV